Trapped
by danfic
Summary: (A danisnotonfire fanfic. NOT PHAN). It's taken me years to get this tiny. I'm not sick. I'm strong. And I'm not going to give it up.*WARNING* Contains self-harm and anoxeria.
1. You don't want to stop

I stared at my reflection in the mirror. My eyes travelling down the length of my body; taking in every little detail.

Fat.

'Tess? Are you in there?' Dan calls out.

I jump. 'Yeah'.

'Lunch is ready' he says through the door.

_No. Don't eat. Don't give in. You're stronger than that. _

'Okay' I reply, stepping onto the scales. 'I'll be out in a moment'.

101.00 pounds.

Too heavy.

Way too heavy.

I pull on my clothes and exit the bathroom. I see Dan standing at the cooker, a plate in his hand. He holds it out to me and I reluctantly take it. I sit at the table and stare at the delicious, no, disgusting food in front of me. My stomach rumbles, no, churns. I push the food around my plate with my fork, separating it.

'Come on Tess' Dan says. 'You have to eat something'.

'I'm really not that hungry' I lie. I'm so hungry I could gnaw off my whole hand No, I'm strong. I'm empty. Empty is good. 'Anyway, I ate earlier'.

Dan looks dubious. 'Did you?'

'Yeah' I nod, pushing my plate of food away from me.

'What did you eat?' he presses me.

'A bagel' I reply.

'So if I went into the cupboard, there wouldn't be a bagel there?'

'Nope' I say, shaking my head. Because there isn't a bagel there. But I didn't eat it. It's in the bin. Where it belongs. I feel slightly guilty for wasting good, no, disgusting, food but I'd feel a lot guiltier if I actually ate the damned thing. 330 calories. 330 unneeded calories.

'I don't believe you' Dan says, looking straight at me.

'Fine. Don't then' I say curtly. 'I'm going for a run now' I stand up and take my plate with the uneaten food over to the waste disposal sink and tip it down. I head to my room and pull on a pair of blue running shorts and a dry-fit vest. I stare at my flabby arms, my fat stomach, and the fat overhanging the waist band of my shorts.

'You've lost weight' Dan says accusingly when I bend over to tie my laces on my running shoes.

_Good. _'No, I haven't' I reply, standing up straight again.

Dan sighs heavily. 'We need to talk when you get back'.

'Whatever' I snap before heading out.

My feet thud against the tarmac in a steady pattern, my breath laboured. My mind now completely blank. I don't think about my appearance, I don't think about my weight. All I think about is putting one foot in front of the other, running until the sun begins to go down.

I push open the apartment door, drenched in sweat, my legs shaking. I hurry to the bathroom and shred my clothes bore stepping on the scale again.

100.94 pounds.

Still too heavy.

I leap into the shower and drench my body in hot water, washing away the dried sweat. A few minutes later, I jump out again and wrap my fat body in a white towel.

I shove on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt.

My upper arms are still too fat. My thighs are still too large.

Everything about me is disgusting.

I pad into the living room to find Dan sitting down on the leather sofa. He looks up as I walk in. I sit down next to him wordlessly and rest my head on his shoulder, my arm across his stomach.

'Like I said earlier, we need to talk' Dan says suddenly, breaking the silence.

I turn to face him. 'About what?'

'About you, Tess' he says gently. 'I feel like I'm losing you'.

I frown. 'Huh?'

'Not mentally, but physically. You're wasting away' he says softly, holding my wrist. His thumb easily reaches his pinky finger. 'Why are you doing this to yourself?'

'_That's Tess, my girlfriend' he says pointing to me as I stand awkwardly in the corner, a few meters away from you and your friends. _

_They look me up and down, they begin to smirk. I feel ashamed. _

'_She's… curvy' one says quietly. _

_Curvy. Another word for fat. _

_F_ _a t. _

'I'm not doing anything to myself, Dan' I reply quietly.

'Tess, you're disappearing'.

'I'm not' I whisper. 'I'm not'.

'You are Tess, you really are. I hate it when you don't eat anything for days on end. I hate it when you run for hours, burning off those calories you didn't even eat. I hate it when you push me away. I want to help you Tess'.

'I hate it too' I whisper. 'But I can't stop'.

'You don't want to stop'.


	2. Can't you see?

'I'm going to bed' I say abruptly, standing up. Dan's comment hit a nerve. He's right. I _don't _want to stop. I want to be thin. Thinner. The thinnest.

'No Tess' he says, standing up too and walking in front of me, preventing me from going anywhere. 'You can't run away from your problems'.

'Fuck off Dan, you don't own me' I snap at him. As soon as the words leave me mouth, I regret them instantly.

'I know' he sighs raggedly. 'I just want you to get better, alright?'

'There's nothing wrong with me' I retort angrily.

'Oh can it Tess! I've seen you! I've seen you push your food around your plate; I've seen you bin it; I've seen you attempting to make yourself sick; I've seen you stand on those fucking scales, getting annoyed because you're not losing enough weight. You think that I don't know, don't you?' he shouts.

'FUCK OFF!' I scream at him. 'IT'S MY LIFE OKAY. I'M FINE'.

'No, you're not fine Tess. You're ill. Don't you see how thin you are?' He grabs my arm and wraps his hand all the way around my bicep.

'I'm not thin. I'm far from it' I reply, pulling away from him. 'Just, leave me alone. Okay?' I storm into my room that I share with Dan and slam the door behind me, locking it in place. I look into the mirror. A chubby face, a bloated, flabby stomach, tree trunk legs and fat arms stare back at me.

I'm disgusting.

I grab the fat on my stomach and claw into it, wishing I could cut it straight off. My nails leave angry, red groves in the fat.

My stomach begins to rumble. I feel sick.

_Don't give in. You'll only regret it if you do._

_Must not eat. Must not eat. Must. Not. Eat. _

I turn away from the mirror and sit down on the bed, drawing my knees up to my chest.

_She'll never get a boyfriend. She's far too fat. _

_Far too fat. _

_F a t. _

_She's got a bit of excess weight, hasn't she?_

_F a t. _

I shakily stand up and unlock the door and head to the kitchen. I pick out an apple and slice it in half. I sink my teeth into it and begin to chew. 40 calories. I stand against the counter, chewing on the apple, trying not to think of the calories. I plan my day out for tomorrow: breakfast – one kiwi (45). Lunch – 1 egg (72) and then I'll for a 5 mile run.

'Tess?' I hear a voice.

I turn my head to see Dan standing beside me. 'Yes?'

'I'm sorry for what I said earlier' he says gently.

I soften. 'I'm sorry too. I was being a real bitch'.

Dan wraps his arms around my fat body. 'I'm just worried about you'.

'There's no need to be. I'm fine' I say, trying to convince him.

'Tessie' he says, calling me by my old nickname. I smile. 'Come with me'.

He holds my hand gently and pulls me into the bathroom. 'Look into the mirror. What do you see?'

'Fat' I say honestly. 'I see a fat, ugly girl in the mirror. And the girl in the mirror is me. I'm fat. I'm ugly'.

'Tessie' he says sadly. 'You're none of those things. You're a beautiful girl. You're not fat and you've never been fat'.

'_If she lost that weight, she'd actually be quite attractive'._

'But I am' I whisper.

Dan then gently holds my bicep, curling his fingers around it. They easily touch. He then places his hands on my ribs, running his fingers over the bones. I shiver underneath his soft touch.

'Can't you see Tess? Can't you _see?'_

'Can't see what?' I whisper, afraid of his response.

'Can't you see that you're slowly killing yourself?'


	3. I haven't done this in so long

I don't say a word but I take in Dan's.

'I can't do this anymore' I sigh.

'Can't do what?' Dan asks in concern.

'This' I say, gesturing all around me.

'Elaborate'.

'I'm not sick. I'm not driving myself into the ground, Dan. Why are you saying that?'

'Because it's the truth' he takes my hand gently and kisses it.

It breaks my heart having to do this. 'I'm sorry Dan. I think we should take a break'.

Dan drops my hand in shock. '…What?'

'I'm sorry' a single tear rolls from my eye. 'I think it's for the best'.

'Tess. No. I can't leave you'.

'I'm sorry' I whisper, walking slowly backwards. I turn and run into my room, grabbing my phone before running out of the apartment. I run blindly down the street, unaware of where I'm heading. My light brown hair swings in front of my tear stained face as I hurtle down the street, not caring what I look like. I spot a bench and sit down on it, my head in my hands.

My stomach aches, my throat is dry, and my head hurts.

_Fat. Ugly. Stupid. Bitch. Loser. Fat. Bitch. Ugly. Fat._

The rain begins to fall, lightly at first but gradually getting harder. I decide to go home. I pray that Dan's not there.

I stand outside the apartment door, listening for any noises that indicate life. Nothing. Sighing in relief, I unlock the door and switch on the lights. I walk into the kitchen to grab a glass on water when I see the note on the counter.

"Tessie,

Come back. Please come back. We can sort this out. Please.

Dan

xxx"

Crumpling the note up, I throw it in the bin and head to the bathroom.

_Fat. Bitch. Loser. Stupid. Ugly. Fat. Bitch. _

I bend down and open a cabinet, and feel behind the pipes for my razor blades. I pick one up and stare at it. The sharp edge that will cut so easily into my skin.

I run my fingertip along the blade lightly, teasing myself.

I haven't done this in so long.

I pull down the waistband of my jeans and place the blade against my hip. In one clean, painless sweep, the blade cuts into my skin, leaving a red line. Then bright red dots begin to appear, bubbling up before running down my hip.

I draw the blade across again and again, enjoying the pain. I feel good now. I feel happier.

But I'm trapped. I'm trapped in a vicious cycle in which one of the only things that makes me happy is one of the things that hurts me the most.

My hip is now red. But I don't care.

I lift the blade to my left wrist and drag it across lightly.

_Bitch. Whore. Ugly. Fat. Stupid. Retard. Fat._

I watch the blood run down my wrist.

I hear a door slam. I jump. I hurriedly pull up my jeans, cover my weeping cuts and hide my blade again.

'Tess?' Dan calls out.

I freeze, unsure of whether to stay quiet or answer him. I hear footsteps coming in my direction. I look down at my red wrist. I'm only wearing a t-shirt. I grab a bunch of tissues and attempt to scrub the blood off.

The bathroom door opens and Dan stands there, his hair dripping wet.

I hurriedly shove the bloody tissues into my pocket and hide my hands behind me back. 'Hey Dan'.

'Tessie' he says, walking over to me and enveloping me in a huge hug. I breathe in his familiar scent and tighten my hold around him. He kisses the top of my head and I can't hold it in any longer. The tears roll down my face and get absorbed by Dan's pale grey hoodie. I wrap my legs around his waist and cling onto him, crying into his shoulder. He rests his chin on my shoulder and kisses my neck softly before carrying me into the living room. He sets me down on the sofa, covering me in a blanket before heading into the kitchen. He returns a few minutes later, carrying a mug of hot chocolate.

'Here' he says, pressing the warm cup into my hand. 'Drink this'.

I stare at the brown liquid, the whipped cream floating on top. Heaven. No. Hell. I wrap my hands around it, taking in its heat.

'Listen Tess' he says, turning to face me. 'Even if you don't want to be with me, then please, at least let me help you'.

'I don't need help' I mutter. 'I don't want you to be a burden of all my troubles'.

'Tess. We've been together for how many years?'

'Three' I reply.

'Exactly. Your troubles are my troubles, okay?'

I don't have the will to argue right now so I just nod. I don't want to drag him down with me, down a road of self-hatred and despair.

'Did you mean what you said earlier, about us?' he asks quietly, his eyes downcast.

'I…No….I….I don't know' I mumble.

'Well, you don't have to decide right now' he says gently. 'Come here'. He takes my left hand and begins to pull me towards him. But something stops him.

He's looking down.

I follow his gaze.

Shit.


	4. Because without it, you'll just crumble

My right hand rushes to cover my wrist. But it's too late. He's already seen.

His face is a picture of horror mixed with sadness.

'No, Tess. No' he whispers. 'No'.

'I'm sorry' I say quietly.

'Come with me' he murmurs, still holding onto my hand. He leads me into our bedroom and sits me down on the bed before heading into the bathroom. I stare at my wrist, the cuts are still bleeding. Dan returns, holding a wet cloth. He places it gently over the cuts and holds it in place.

'I'm sorry' I repeat. 'I'm so sorry I'm such a failure'.

'No. Never say that' he whispers fiercely. 'You're not a failure Tess, you never have been and you never will be. Please, trust me. I love you'.

I relax ever so slightly. 'So you're not going to leave me?'

'Never'.

I look through the window, the night has already set. The moon half covered by a cloud.

'But promise me one thing, Tessie. Promise me that you'll stop cutting'.

'I…I'll try'.

'Good' he hugs me, his cheek against mine.

'I love you too, Dan'. I feel him smile and I hug him tighter. 'What do you say about getting back together?'

'I'd like that very much' he says into my hair.

He pulls back then and gently lifts the cloth off my wrist. The cuts have stopped bleeding now and are surrounded by dried blood. Dan gently rubs off the dried bits, careful not to upset the cuts. He then lifts my wrist up to his lips and kisses each cut and scar, one by one.

I smile, knowing that I have someone by my side, who'll love me despite my flaws and insecurities. Despite me being a mess. Despite me being broken. A broken girl that nobody can fix.

'I think it's time we got some sleep, huh?'

I nod, yawning. 'Uh huh'.

I pull off my t-shirt and throw it on the floor and pull on a baggy one then and then tug off my jeans. I hop back into bed and lean against Dan, who's already in sweatpants and a t-shirt. His fingers trace my hips and flabby thighs softly.

Oh shit. No.

I remember the cuts on my hips.

His hand has stopped at my hip, his fingers tracing the cuts. He doesn't say a word, he doesn't need to. Instead he kisses me on the lips, his hand at the base of my neck.

'I promise I'll stop' I whisper into his chest.

But I don't think I can't promise. Because there are some things that you can't promise. Because no matter how hard you try; you'll always give in at one point or another because the temptation is too great. You'll do it again because it's become a part of you and you don't want to let go of it. Because without it; you won't be able to cope whatsoever. You'll just crumble.


	5. I want to run away

When I wake up the next morning, Dan's gone. I blink in the early morning sunshine and stretch before rolling over to get out of bed. I look at the clock on my bedside table, 6am. I wonder where Dan is, he's never usually up before 11am at the earliest, whereas I'm more of an early riser. I wonder how long he's been gone for, and what's so important that he's got up so freakin' early. I suddenly spot a yellow post-it note by the side of the clock.

"Tess,

I've gone out. Won't be back until around 9:30am. I've made you some breakfast; it's on the countertop underneath the foil. Please eat."

I frown; Dan always signs his note off with a kiss. Maybe he was in a rush.

I walk into the kitchen and see the breakfast on the countertop. I sigh and walk over to it and lift off the protective foil.

Croissants.

Two, to be exact.

220 calories per croissant. 440 altogether.

I lift the croissants onto a plate and begin to break them apart; so I get little flakes left on the plate. I drop a few flakes on the kitchen table so it looks as if I've eaten. I then put the remaining croissant pieces down the waste disposal sink and leave the flaky plate next to the ordinary sink.

I change into my running gear and head out for an early morning run. It's peaceful out, the air foggy and cool. By the time I've reached the end of my street, I've worked myself into an easy pace. I run, burning mile after mile as the sun begins to rise. Nobody's around, it's just me. Though I'm not a quick runner – I usually clock around an 8 minute mile – I can run for hours. I head towards the park, my feet drumming on the concrete. In the distance, I can see a couple sitting on the bench, quite close together. I wonder what they're doing up this early. I run towards them and I see that it's a guy and a girl, the guy's arm around the girl's shoulder. As I run past them, I sneak a glance their way.

My heart neatly stops.

I feel like I'm going to be sick.

I force myself to carry on running; though all I want to do is collapse onto the floor and cry.

I want to run away from the image, now permanently ingrained in my mind.

Why do I want to forget it? Pretend that I never saw it?

Because the guy was Dan.


	6. He lied

I sprint towards the exit of the park, terrified in case Dan recognises me.

My boyfriend, wtih another girl, his arm around her.

He said he loved me.

He said he'd be there for me.

He said he wasn't going to leave me.

He lied.

The tears begin to fall but I roughly wipe them away, not breaking pace. My chest aches, my throat is dry, I feel like I'm about to pass out at any moment. I reluctantly come to a stop and bend over, my hands on my knees. The sweat runs down my face and into my eyes, causing them to sting. Once I've caught my breath, I force myself to carry on. Some shops are beginning to open, so I figure it must be around 7:30am. My legs feel weak, my entire body aches. But I'm still breathing, which means I will carry on.

He lied.

I head back to my apartment a while later and quietly open the door, in case Dan's there and I need to make a sharp exit. But I'm in luck; it's not even 9am, only 8:37am. I calculate that I've been running for around two and a half hours. I run to the bathroom and shred my sweaty clothes and jump on the scale.

99.08 pounds.

I grin.

Only 09.08 pounds left until I reach goal #1.

My stomach begins to rumble.

'No' I whisper to myself. 'You're not hungry. Think of your goal'.

Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat.

**Must. Not. Eat. **

I jump into the shower, and let the hot water run down my body. I feel a sense of achievement overcome me, I haven't eaten in over a day and it's paying off, I'm losing the weight. I can't give in now.

My head feels light and the room begins to spin. My legs begin to shake.

My vision begins to darken slowly and I blindly throw my hands out in front of me, hoping to hold on to something before I fall.

But I'm not in luck. My hands hit the plastic pane of the shower and my legs buckle. I fall, hitting my head on the pane before hitting the floor. Then the darkness engulfs me.


	7. Leave me alone I mean it

'Teresa?' I hear a voice say. I frown at the mention of my full name.

'What?' I snap, taking in my surroundings.

Where the hell am I?

I'm in a white and sky blue room, half of the room covered by a thin curtain. There are all sorts of machinery in the corners. Oh right, I get it now. I'm in a hospital. Fab.

I look at the person who said my name. A tall young man, who looks to be in his early 30's, is standing by my side, holding a clipboard, his pen hovered above it.

'Why am I here?' I ask, now thoroughly confused. I don't remember any of it.

'You passed out, in the shower. You collapsed and hit your head. You were unconscious for about one hour before someone found you.

'Oh right. Who found me?'

The doctor checks his clipboard. 'Your roommate, I presume. A young guy called Dan Howell?' He raises his eyebrow questioningly.

As soon as the doctor says Dan's name, it all comes rushing back. Going out running in the morning; pretending I actually ate just to keep Dan happy; running through a park and seeing him with his arm around another girl; standing on the scales; the warm water running over my body; my legs buckling; my vision giving out.

'Oh right' I repeat weakly.

'But we've done some scans and we've found no serious injury. However, Mr Howell informed us that you have an eating disorder'.

Anger rushes through my veins. 'I do _not _have an eating disorder' I spit.

'Teresa, you are five foot five and you weigh less than one hundred pounds, which concludes you're underweight. Mr Howell also told us that you rarely eat; you throw your food away; you exercise for long periods of time and you view yourself as overweight. I'm sorry Teresa, but this is a case of an eating disorder'.

I stare at him.

'Despite you having no injury due to your accident, we have decided to keep you're here for longer'.

'What? Why?' I snap.

The doctor takes a deep breath before carrying on. 'As you're underweight, your BMI is too low. This increases your chance of organ failure as if you continue the way you are; your body will enter starvation mode and it may begin to shut down. Leading to death'.

I don't have the energy to fight.

'I've come up with a daily diet plan for you. Tell me Teresa, how many calories do you normally consume per day?'

'I don't know. It depends. Maybe 500 or less' I offer.

'That's way too low. A girl your age and height should be consuming around 1500 to 2000, especially if you're going to exercise frequently'.

Ew. 1500 to 2000 calories. A _day?_

'We're admitting you to Nightingale ward, there'll be a lot of other patients in a similar situation to you, so you won't be alone' the doctor says.

'Right now?'

'If you would like to'.

I shrug. 'Whenever. I don't really care. It's not like I can avoid going, is it?'

'No Teresa. It's for your own good'.

I resist the urge to snort. Whatever.

A nurse enters the room with a wheelchair. They help me into it and take me to the ward for the psycho's. I'm not fucking injured, I am able to walk.

As we enter the ward, everyone stops and stares at me, curiosity in their eyes. I lift myself out of the chair and nod a thank you to the doctor and nurse before making my way to the ratty, blue sofa in the corner of the room. I sit down and look around me; there are about 6 other people.

What am I doing here? I don't need to be here.

'Teresa?' I hear a soft voice say. I look upwards; it's an old-ish looking nurse, with grey hair and kind, blue eyes. 'You have a visitor'.

'Who is it?' I question.

'Mr Howell' she replies.

I roll my eyes. Better to get it over and done with. 'Fine. Bring him in'.

She leaves and returns a few minutes later, Dan in tow. All the other patients stare at him as he makes his way towards me.

'Tess' he says softly.

'What?' I snap.

'Hey, don't be like that' he says, holding his arms out for a hug. I stare at them before he drops them awkwardly, letting them dangle by his side.

'Don't pretend that you care about me' I say acidly.

'What do you mean?' He seems confused. 'I haven't done anything wrong'.

I snap. 'Don't give me that shit Dan' I say furiously. 'I saw you, yesterday morning. In the park, with your arm around some girl'.

Dan's face pales.

'So don't you fucking dare say that you haven't done anything wrong, because you have. "I'll always be there for you", "I love you" and "I won't ever leave you". That's funny Dan, that's really fucking funny'. I shout at him, my eyes blazing.

'Tessie-'

'Don't you fucking dare call me that' I snap.

'Sorry, Tess. I can explain-'

'What, you can explain that it's okay to get up ridiculously early and go to a park and put your arm around another girl and hope that your girlfriend doesn't see? And then say that you haven't done anything wrong?' I scream. 'I trusted you! I believed you when you said that you'd never leave me. I believed it when you said you loved me. Did you just say that so throw me off a trail, so I wouldn't find out about your new girlfriend? I honestly trusted you. You're not the person I thought you were Dan'.

Dan just stares at me. By now, the other patients have stopped what they were doing and are now watching mine and Dan's confrontation, their mouths agape. I suppose it's better than some crappy soap opera on the TV.

'I can't deal with this anymore. We're over' I sigh, raking my hands through my hair.

'No, Tess. Let me explain…Please'.

'No Dan, save it because I don't give a shit'.

'Tess' Dan pleads, his brown eyes sad.

'No. I trusted you and you broke that trust'.

'No I didn't-'

'No. Get out Dan. Get the fuck out of my eyesight. I don't care, okay? I'm not interested in your made up explanation. Get the fuck away from me and leave me alone. I mean it'.

I turn on my heel and walk out of the room. From behind me, I can hear a round of applause. I smile to myself slightly; maybe I will like some of the other patients. I find a bathroom and stare at myself in the mirror, my hands tangled in my brown hair. I rest my forehead against the cool glass, and that's when I allow myself to cry.


	8. I just don't want to admit it

I bang my fist against the glass, anger running through my veins.

'He doesn't want you because you're fat' I whisper to myself, over and over again.

I hear the bathroom door creak open and I move away from the mirror. One of the patients from my ward enters and smiles at me nervously.

'Hey, are you okay? I watched what happened back there' she says, gesturing behind her.

'Fine thanks' I reply, somewhat unconvincingly.

'If it makes you feel better, I would have done the same thing. He sounds like a right tool' she says, smiling slightly. 'I'm Carolina'.

'Tess' I smile back. 'And thanks'.

'You're welcome. So, what are you in here for?'

'Apparently I have an eating disorder. You?'

'Same. Nice to know we're in the same boat'.

'Yeah, I guess so'.

Carolina enters a cubicle so I head back to the ward and sit back down again on the ratty blue sofa. The other patients look at me as I enter then return to their activity. I guess I'm not that interesting; I'm just the girl with the eating disorder who broke up with her boyfriend in a hospital.

'Dinner, Tess' a nurse enters with a tray.

My insides churn as I stare at the gloopy mess on a plate. I reluctantly pick it up and sit it on my lap. The nurse doesn't move; I stare at her blankly.

'I'm not leaving until you eat all of it' she says simply.

I sigh. They're going to feed me until I balloon to the size of a whale. I stare at the nurse, her skirt straining against her large thighs, her blue shirt clinging to her flabby arms, her fat feet stuffed into black shoes.

I lift the fork up to my mouth and close my eyes as the food lands on my tongue. I nearly spit it back out again. But I don't, I just have to eat their shitty food until I can go home again.

It takes me 27 minutes to clear the plate and I feel so fat that I can barely walk.

_Too many calories. Way too many_

_Fat. Ugly. Bitch. Whore. Fat. _

The days pass slowly in the ward, I make friends with a few other patients, Carolina in particular. I eat the shitty food on command, I obey all the nurses and doctors. But I'm still fat. Even fatter now.

'Teresa' my doctor says to me a few weeks later. 'I think it's time that you went home'.

I stare at him, open mouthed. 'Seriously?' I breathe a sigh of relief.

'Yes, you've put on 11 pounds so you're now considered a healthy weight'.

11 pounds. 11 fucking pounds.

'Oh that's good' I lie. 'When can I go home?'

'In about an hour, once we've constructed a meal plan for you. Do you live with anyone?'

I grimace. 'Yeah, Dan. Dan Howell'.

'Oh yes. Well, I'll get Mr Howell to help you with your eating plan, so you don't stray from it'.

Fab.

'I'll give him a ring right now and see if he can come and pick you up'.

Great. 'Ok, thank you'.

I rise from my seat and rush out of the door to the ward. I gather my things and go to find Carolina. I find her sitting in a chair in the corner.

'Caro?' I ask. 'I'm leaving now'. I drop my things on the floor and give her a hug, her enviously skinny frame pressing against my fat one.

'I'll miss you' she says.

'I'll miss you too. I'll visit though'.

We let go of each other and I pick up my things from the floor. 'Bye Caro'.

'Bye Tess'.

I walk down to the entrance and sign out, grabbing my eating plan. I don't want to think of that right now.

I find Dan's car and I walk nervously towards it. I open the boot and throw my possessions in before clambering into the passenger's seat.

'Hey' I say quietly. 'Thanks for coming to get me'.

Dan turns his head to look at me, his eyes soft. 'That's alright. You look a lot better' he says, his eyes travelling the length of my body.

'Thanks. They've given me an eating plan' I mumble.

'I know, they told me' he says, turning on the engine. 'Just so you know, I won't be moving out. I need to be with you so you don't lose the weight you've gained'.

Fuck. This is going to be as awkward as hell. 'Okay' I mutter.

'I won't talk about what happened a few weeks ago as I know you don't want to, but if you want someone to talk to, I'm here'.

How can I trust him when he cheated on me? Lied to me? 'Thanks' I mumble, eyes downcast.

'I'm glad you're better now, Tess' he says gently. 'I've missed you; I've been worried about you'.

I want to forgive him, I really do. But I can't. 'Oh. Um' I stutter, unsure of what else to say.

We enter the apartment in silence, flicking on the lights. The place hasn't changed, though it's a lot cleaner. Probably because I haven't been there to mess it up.

'Shall I order a Chinese?' Dan asks as I make my way to the leather couch.

'Sure. Whatever' I reply.

I sit down on the cold couch and hug my knees to my chest. I hear Dan mumble on the phone but I don't pay any attention to it.

'Tess?' Dan says gently, standing in front of me. I snap out of my trance. 'You've been staring at the blank TV for about 10 minutes, are you okay?'

'Fine' I reply. 'Yeah, I'm fine'.

A knock at the door thankfully saves me as Dan goes to answer it. A few minutes later, he returns carrying the Chinese.

'Here you go, it's hot' he says, handing mine gently to me.

'Thanks' I stare at it. Ew. I fork the noodles into my mouth and swallow them, not letting myself taste them properly. Because if I do, I'll be trapped.

I finish mine quickly, feeling fat already. Fatter than before. I know. 'Just going to the toilet' I say to Dan, who's still eating his. He nods his head in acknowledgement of my comment.

I make sure I lock the door behind me and I tie my hair up in a tight bun. I kneel over the toilet and close my eyes as I stick two fingers down my throat. I gag, bringing up the remains of my dinner. It stinks, my stomach heaving. The tears are streaming from my eyes. I hate it, but I need to be skinny again. And this way, Dan won't find out.

I finish purging and flush the toilet, shoving a whole lot of bleach down after. I spray Fabreeze in the air, to mask the scent of vomit. I unlock the door with shaky hands and walk back to the lounge area. I pull my hair loose and rake my hands through it. I sit back down on the couch and sneak a glance at Dan, who's watching the TV. He catches me staring and switches off the TV and turns to face me.

'Tess' he begins. 'I know you don't want to, but I think we need to talk about what happened when you went running….' He trails off meaningfully.

I shake my head. 'No. Please, Dan. No. I don't want to revisit that. Please'.

He sighs. 'Okay Tess. But let me ask you one question, please?'

My lips turn up into a small smile. 'It depends'.

He smiles back, his dimples showing. He shuffles forward and gently places a large hand over mine. His hands are warm. I bite my lip and look into his deep brown eyes, unsure of what he's about to ask me. The memories of us two together come rushing back and I resist the urge to smile. Such happy times. I want to forget it. I want to forgive him.

'Although you don't want me to explain right now, which is fair enough, but I would like to if you ever want to know' he takes a deep breath, tightening his hold on my hands.

Oh god, what's he about to ask?

'Will you ever forgive me? Not now, but _ever?'_

I drop my gaze and stare at the worn black leather of the sofa. My mind is whirling.

'I…I…I don't know' I whisper.

But I _do _know.

I just don't want to admit it.


	9. My heart's waving a red flag

'It's alright Tess' Dan says, stroking my hands. For some reason, I'm shaking.

I mentally pull myself together, annoyed with myself for being so weak. 'I…I'm going to bed' I trip over my words. 'Night' I say, rising from the sofa. I pull of my jeans and jumper and slip on a baggy t-shirt before hopping into bed. I snuggle down under the covers. I lie awake, waiting for Dan to join me. Then I realise, of course he won't. We're not together anymore. I roll onto my side and close my eyes, waiting to drop off. And soon enough, I do.

I wake up to the strong smell of coffee and bacon. I guess Dan's cooking. I roll out of bed, my feet hitting the cold floor and wrap myself in a jumper, and walk into the kitchen. Dan's standing by the coffee machine, filling a great big cup.

'Morning' he says to me as I walk past him to sit down at the table.

'Morning' I reply.

'Breakfast will be ready in 5' he says to me.

''Kay, thanks' I mumble.

The scent of bacon is overpowering. It smells delicious, no, disgusting.

'Here you go' Dan says, sliding a plate full of bacon, eggs and baked beans in front of me. He's even included the egg yolk.

So many calories. So many I can't even begin to think of how many there must be.

Dan grabs his own plate and sits down opposite me. I fork the food around my plate, not even taking one bite.

'Tess' Dan frowns at me. 'You need to eat'.

'I know' I snap at him. He raised one eyebrow in surprise but doesn't retaliate. 'I am, see?' I lift a forkful of bacon and place it in my mouth, chewing it a few times before swallowing. Ew.

It takes me over half an hour to eat it all.

I wait 10 minutes before I make my trip to the bathroom. Locking the door, I bend over the toilet seat, stick two fingers down my throat and wait for the familiar vomit to rise up and out.

'Tess?' Dan calls out, sounding strained.

'Yeah?' I call back, wiping my mouth and flush the toilet before cleaning it.

'Can you come out here for a moment please?'

My heart begins to race. Has he found out about my purging?

I walk to the lounge area nervously, my hands getting clammy. Dan's sitting on the sofa, the phone beside him. He looks tense.

'Yeah?' I ask him softly, sitting down next to him. 'What's wrong?'

'I've just had a call from the hospital…' He starts.

Oh shit. What's going on now? I haven't done anything. Well, nothing that they know of.

'And it turns out that your friend, Carolina….Has….Has…Passed away' he says gently.

I sit there in shock for around a good five minutes. No. Not Caro. No. Please. No.

Dan wraps an arm around my shoulders, bringing me closer to him. The tears don't even fall. I don't know what to do.

'…How?' I whisper.

'Do you really want to know?'

'Yes' I nod my head.

'Organ failure' he says gently. 'She lost too much weight too quickly. Her body couldn't cope with the dramatic weight loss. It shut down'.

I sit there, not uttering a single word. Taking it all in. Caro. The one who helped me through my break up with Dan. The one who was with me for the entire time I was in hospital. I said I would visit. I promised her. I'm too late.

'I'm just going to the bathroom, I'll be back in a minute' he promises.

I rest my head in my hands, palms pressing against my forehead. It hurts but it doesn't compete with the hurt of losing a friend.

The doorbell rings, I look towards the bathroom, Dan's not out yet. I guess I'll have to answer it myself.

I stand up and run my hands through my hair, trying to make it look presentable. I pull my jumper down lower over my thighs as I make my way to the door. I open it and I see a girl around my age standing there. She's got short blonde hair and brown eyes. I look her up and down. She looks to be around a size six. Fat. Then I realise, with all the weight I've put on, I must be fatter than her. No wonder Dan doesn't want me.

'Hi' she says merrily. 'Is Dan in?'

'Um yeah' I respond. She's so perky she irritates me already.

'Jen!' I hear Dan call out. I hear his footsteps coming towards us.

I study her face more closely. Then my heart nearly stops. She was the girl who Dan had his arm around in the park. The girl he'd been cheating on. Bitch.

I turn slightly to see Dan standing beside me. I feel so awkward.

'Jen' he says, addressing her. Her eyes seem to melt at the sound of his voice. Bitch. 'We need to talk'.

'Okay' she says happily and I resist the urge to slap her. 'Now?'

'Now' Dan confirms. 'Tess, I'll be gone for a little while. I've left you some food on the counter'.

'Oh, were you the one who was in hospital? With the eating disorder?' her face is a mask of faux sympathy. I am so close to pulling her hair out.

'Yes' I say shortly, turning to face Dan. 'Have fun' I say snidely before turning to leave. Wow, I'm in a bitchy mode today.

I hear the door click behind them and I pick up the bowl of pasta Dan's left for me. He's even heated it up. I carry it to the waste disposal sink and tip it down.

Too fat to eat.

I don't need any more food.

My stomach begins to growl.

My throat is dry. I ignore it.

No.

Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat. Must not eat.

I make my way to the bathroom to purge for the second time today,

I finish and wipe the sick from my mouth. I stand up and grab a few white pills out of the cupboard, to mask the on-going hunger in my stomach. I swallow them dry and wait for about 10 minutes before I purge again, to make sure I've gotten all of the disgusting food I ate this morning out of my body.

I begin to feel faint. It hurts to breath. My chest tightens.

I need help.

I pick out my phone and dial Dan's number. He doesn't pick up. I try, again and again, hoping he will. But he doesn't. I've tried him 24 times already.

I try to breathe, but my lungs don't expand.

I try Dan once more, hoping and praying he'll pick up. But like the times beforehand, he doesn't. 25 times.

My heart's waving a red flag.

I can barely breathe, but my heart beats once more, twice more, three times more. My throat is tight; my stomach feels like it's on fire. I cough and blood drips out of my mouth. I don't have the strength to wipe it away. My stomach burns, more painful than ever.

I surrender.


	10. I'm sorry I didn't answer

I open my eyes to see white and pale blue surrounding me, everything from the bed right down to the bed sheets. I sigh, looks like I'm back at the hospital. Fuck.

'Tess?' I hear a voice and I spot Dan sitting in one of the chairs in the corner, watching me carefully.

I sigh again. 'What now? Why am I here? What have I done?' I fire out the questions at him.

'Um. I think it's best to get a doctor to explain it to you' he says before rushing out of the room.

My mind swarms. They're going to stuff me full of food, making me balloon to 115 pounds. 120 pounds. I want to be less than 100 pounds again. I want to feel light, weightless, and so light that I feel that I could lift off the ground and fly. I want to by tiny again, delicate. Not fat and chubby. I want my thigh gap back. I want to be the space between my thighs, daylight shining through. I want my concave stomach back, my prominent hipbones back. I want to be the girl that everyone else envied. I want to be _that _girl again.

My thoughts are interrupted by a doctor entering the room, followed by a sheepish looking Dan.

'Teresa' the doctor says walking over to me.

'Yes?'

'I suppose you're wondering why you're here, am I right?'

'Well, yes' I reply sarcastically. 'Duh'.

Dan gives me a look but I ignore it.

'So what was it? A heart attack? Did my electrolytes mess up?'

'No Teresa' he says calmly, checking against his clipboard. 'Your oesophagus ruptured'.

'Ruptured'.

'Ripped open. Vomiting forcefully enough can tear the oesophagus. Especially as we found out that you took a lot of pills beforehand. You went into shock. It was lucky that a neighbour called, otherwise you wouldn't have made it'.

I stare at Dan, whose eyes are on the floor. It wasn't Dan who saved me. He was the one who didn't pick up when I needed him most. He was the one who left me.

'I'll give you a moment to process that' the doctor says, misinterpreting my silence. He steps outside the room and shuts the door behind him.

Dan stands up and walks towards me. I can hear his heavy breathing from here.

'Don't' I plead when he crouches next to me.

'I'm not going to' he says, eyes penetrating mine. 'I'm sorry about everything, even though there was nothing between me and Jen. I'm sorry I left you when you needed me most'. His eyes fill with tears, his voice shakes. I've never seen Dan like this before.

I look down at the pale blue sheets, my hands clenched around them. I twist them in between my fingers and pick at the lose threads.

'I'm sorry I didn't call sooner' I whisper.

'I'm sorry I didn't answer'.


	11. A girl who ran in endless circles

'No. It's my fault Dan. I'm the one who took the pills. I'm the one who made myself throw up. It's my fault my oesophagus ruptured. I was the one who did it to myself. I've got no one else to blame, except myself. I'm sorry I'm a mess, I'm sorry I'm a fuckup. No wonder you don't want me. But in all honestly, I don't blame you. I wouldn't want me either'.

Dan stares at me, sadness filling his whole face. 'But I do want you Tessie. I'll always want you'.

'No you don't' I say, shaking my head.

'No Tessie, I do. Please, forgive me and I'll show you'.

'I…I can't' I whisper. 'I can't forgive you…I'm…I'm sorry'.

Dan stands up to leave and he gently kisses me on the forehead. 'It's okay, Tessie. I don't blame you. I'm sorry too' and with that, he leaves. He doesn't say goodbye.

I'm in the hospital for 4 months.

My stay is a marathon, no sprint at the end. I get tired. I ask questions. Quite often, I spend a day with black clouds in my mind. But I sit there quietly, until they pass.

No more games. No more throwing up. No more throwing away the food. No more excessive exercise. No more counting of calories.

The concept of eating is scary. I hear the voices.

_Fat. Ugly. Bitch. Whore. Ugly. Stupid. Fat._

But I don't let them pull me down. I won't.

_Food is life_ I tell myself each time I take a bite. _Food is life. _

And that's the problem, when you're alive; it's easier for people to hurt you. It's easier to crawl into a hole or a cage. It's easier to lock everyone out.

But that's a lie.

I'm beginning to measure myself in strength, not pounds or centimetres.

I don't lie to the doctors or nurses, I take their advice on board and I tell them how I feel. They don't think I'm crazy.

Another page turns on the calendar, it's February now. And I realise, I was a girl stuck in between worlds, a ghost with a beating heart. A winter girl. A girl who got lost in the snow. A girl who ran in endless circles.

But I managed to drag myself out of the dark and ask for help.

Size doesn't define you. It never has and it never will.

Eating is hard. Breathing is hard. Living is hard.

But there's no magic cure for making it all go away. There are only small steps upwards, an easier day, and a mirror that doesn't matter anymore.

The snow is melting. The darkness is fading. And I'm winning.


	12. Author's note

_Hey everyone,_

_Trapped is now finished, I hope you guys enjoyed it! I may do a sequel in the future, so let me know whether you'd like on or not. And if you would, whether you'd like Tess to get back with Dan!_

_I tried my best to portray eating disorders as accurately as I could, although the medical detail may not be 100% correct. _

_Eating disorders are a serious illness, for all ages and both genders. If you think you have an eating disorder or you do have an eating disorder, then please talk to someone today. _

_Please don't feel upset about your weight, you're beautiful no matter what you weigh. Everyone is different and people come in all shapes and sizes. _

_Remember, size doesn't define you. You define you. And be yourself; because you are the only one who can ever be you. No one can take that away. _

_Self-harm is also a serious issue. Please don't resort to it like Tess does in this story. Self-harm is a temporary release but in the long run, it does not do any good. If you have never self-harmed, but think that you're leaning towards it for relief, then please don't. You'll be trapped in a vicious cycle and it'll be difficult to get yourself out of it. And if you're a current self-harmer, then please talk to someone today to try and stop. _

_Once again, thanks for reading and giving me feedback, it's very much appreciated!_

_I also have a new fanfic called 'To Save a Life' so go and check that out! _

_-K. _


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